Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Where's the damn Yellow Brick Road?

What do you see in this ink blot?


I see two hunchbacked monsters without hearts, wrapped in shrouds, trying to yell at each other, like a creepy staring contest with yelling involved.

Is that what you see?
Are you as messed up as I am?



I've shared with you before that I'm starting therapy...
because I'm a mess and my marriage is a mess.
And not the easy kind of mess a Clorax Easy Wipe can soak up in 10 seconds.
Nope, it's a certified, complicated, dog-threw-up-combined-with-honey-and-flour-in-the-carpet kind of mess.

I had a great therapist back in Austin. Joel was my buddy, my confidant, and he knew how to keep it real. But, here north of Dallas I don't have a Joel, so I had to pick a newbie. And the guy I saw last week? I don't think he's the right therapist for me.

He wanted to talk about my childhood. I wanted to talk about my present.
He wanted me to look for the answer in my heart. I wanted to bash him over the head with his.

I don't think therapy should be a guessing game. When I'm ending most of my sentences as a question, that's not a good sign.

He told me to look deep inside me for the answer.
Damn it, if I could have done that, I would have, on my own without paying a fortune to do it in front of an audience.
I can't find the answer to my problems, the miraculous path I need to follow.


Follow the Yellow-Bricked Road.
Follow the Yellow-Bricked Road.
Follow, Follow, Follow, Follow,
Follow the Yellow-Bricked Road.

If only it were that easy!!

I'm screwed up! You're supposed to help fix me...not make me keep looking for non-existent, deep down (around my spleen maybe?) guiding feelings.

It was frustrating. I don't think we were on the same page.

(I think I'm going to regret sharing this much when I wake up Wednesday.)

This isn't your "what I'm thankful for" day-before-Thanksgiving post.
Don't get me wrong.
I'm thankful for a lot of things, but my life is a mess currently, and it's hard to see past that.
I'm not sure how to get back on track.
What I do know is that writing is a lifeline for me.
Blogging the same.



So I'm hanging on by my non-existent fingernails from the edge of a steep cliff staring at the alligators down below and hoping that I can somehow save myself.
I don't want someone else to save me...
but I might need a lifeline thrown...or a phone a friend...


You know, I feel better now, after vomiting my feelings onto the page.
I hope you don't feel worse now.
Sorry.

Thanks for listening.

What did you see in the ink blot?
What's at the end of your yellow-brick road?


62 comments:

StarbuckBitch said...

I saw scary baby thingys...

You're not alone...

only a movie said...

Hey - that's my little sis up there ahead of me in the comments! Hi sweetie!!
Rhea, I totally saw two monsters yelling at each other.
We're all struggling with our own stuff - you are so not alone.
Right there with you with the anxiety and overwhelment. Hang in there.
If that therapist is not helping you, ditch him and find someone new.

Jen said...

I am so glad that you shared. I hope that it helped a little bit pouring those things out of you.
I wish only good things for you and hope that you find the right guy or gal to help you through this. Life sucks when its a mess.
big (((hugs))) Rhea. Use me as a life line if you need to.

Kori said...

I just seen ink blots but then after your description of what you saw I saw it too.

I'm sorry things are rough right now. But we all are here for you to listen and to try and encourage you.

So use us, your... lifelines.

Keeper of the Skies Wife said...

I see the pretty much the same thing!

I'm sorry you are going through a rough patch right now....the yellow brick road is there....you'll find it!

KimmyJ said...

Ink blot, two old ladies.

End of my YBR, a life that allows me to earn a living being creative.

Remember, you have to fall all the way down to the bottom, so that you can get your footing to stand up again. I know, I've been down there, way down there. Hang in there, chica!

OHmommy said...

I don't see anything. That must mean I am really screwed up.

Hang in there, babe.

Rachel said...

Rhea, you never know just who you are going to touch, help and move with your words and your struggles.

Nothing is ever just what we want...

Dive in, take a deep breath and live. Follow your heart, your words, your mind, your struggles and grow, live, laugh,experience it all. You will be a better woman for it all.

Thanks for sharing this.

Kat said...

I see a vagina.

Don't judge me.

:-)

Maybe I need to see your therapist too.

And you have my number. I am always willing to be your phone a friend.

Don't delete my number now that you know what I see in the ink...

:-)

lmerie said...

Ok, I must be a mess . ..I see two hunchback old ninnys doing a jig!

My heart was confusing and searching it did not help! So I did a lot of praying and played it out one step at the time and one day at a time - it is amazing what a difference a day can make!

My yellow brick road began after trying to pull myself up by the boot straps and the straps broke! I ditched the boots and started down a path that turned into the yellow brick road - I now LOVE Thanksgiving (but that has not always been so!)

Mama Dawg said...

You know, I was gonna say I saw two old hunchbacked ladies but then I read Kat's comment and now all I see is a vagina.

I'm gonna drop you an e-mail in a sec.

Hang in there girlie!

carrielt said...

I've never been good at those ink blot thingys, but I see two deformed objects about to kiss.

Anna Lefler said...

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling. Been there - and I can tell you that it won't always be this way. It feels like it will...but it won't.

Good for you for holding out for a therapist who really gets you - that's so important.

Hang in there and know that so many people are sending you big hugs (including me).

Have a lovely Thanksgiving...

XO

Anna

Cathy said...

Rhea, I don't know the whole story, nor do you need to tell us unless you want to but I or we are hear to listen and offer advice if you ask..so vomit away..I will hold your hair back..

carrie said...

I saw two hunchback old ladies. Probably without teeth.

But seriously, sorry to hear you're having issues right now. It happens and it does sound like that guy needs bashed over the head with something.

Mrs. Jacqueline said...

I see squished-up internal lady-parts (In the white space, and yes I know I'm weird. It's probably because I'm stuck in wanna-nother-baby land.).

I hate touchy-feely therapists. It's like "Hey jacka--, if I already had the answer 'deep inside of me' why the F--- am I paying you?"

Really.

Don't feel bad about it hon, just get a new guy. No harm, no foul.

Your blog makes me miss Dallas *sniff!*

Kally said...

Me too. I totally looked at the ink blot and felt it HAD to be 2 hunch backed old men staring each other down but too decrepit to really fight.

I understand feeling a mess or at least feeling lost. Since making the big move to another state, I have felt totally lost in this strange place without my friends, family or even the nearest shopping mall. I know I have the Mr & B with me but I am still hurting for that support system I had back home. I find myself searching for something to remind me of normal but keep coming up empty. I just keep hoping that maybe not today or tomorrow but soon something will click and I won't feel as lost. I will hope for you too that you will find what you are searching for.

Twisted Fencepost said...

Well, I saw two people looking at eachother.
Until Kat said what she saw....

At the end of my YBR? Couldn't tell ya. I'm skipping along enjoying the sights along the way. I'll deal with the end when it gets here.
You are not alone!
Sometimes you have to quit worrying about the future and think about the here and now.
I'm a friend only an email away!!!

steenky bee said...

I saw the same thing too. Oh, I hope things get better for you. Please keep hanging on. You are definitely not alone!

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I saw the same thing as you, like something that should be floating around a Harry Potter set. But then I read Kat's vagina comment and now I see that too.

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. Fire the therapist and get another.

Keep writing. Keep playing with Annie.

It's Me said...

Rhea, the picture looks like a vaginal canal! Dumb me! Listen, you hang on tight during this "fire" you are going thru. I've been to hell and back with my marriage and it survived. Hold on tight, pray, and watch things happen.

Lynette said...

Been there and done that
hard road and not easy to find right place always.
try
http://hopeformarriages.com/
or look up christian counseling.
that is what helped me most
good luck
and vent here all you want!

Karen said...

Ok.....I'm glad the Kat said the same as what I saw, so I don't have to spell it out. (I know...heaven forbid I grow up and not snicker at such words.)

Oh honey, I'm sorry that you are going through such a tough spot. Keep looking for the rights therapist. Hang in there. We are here for you.

Texan Mama @ Who Put Me In Charge said...

Oh Rhea, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I understand what you mean about crappy therapists. I thought they all were so astute... until I actually went to one.

As for the inkblot, I see two women talking, with backpacks or maybe babies strapped to their backs. Is that weird?

And, I think you would really benefit from reading the featured blogger from yesterday at SITS. She had a post called, "THou Shalt Not Worry". It was a good read.

Hope you are feeling better soon.

Jennifer and Sandi said...

I see a Snowman with a belly ache!!

...and I'd change therapists and STAT

Have a SUPER Thanksgiving

- Jennifer

Cristin said...

I saw two creepy old ladies with giant ragged goiters...

That thrapist sounds like an ass...

As for the Yellow Brick Road... life is the road... at the end, you're dead.

J'Ollie Primitives said...

Uh ~ I saw a uterus and fallopian tubes. And a vajayjay.
Does that make me weird?

There's a therapist out there that WILL fit you better than the one you mentioned....think of therapists like shoes, they have to fit, honey!

Captain Dumbass said...

Fallopian tubes, totally. Good for you to share like that, it takes guts. The right therapist can change your world, drag you back off the edge of the cliff. You should have smacked the first guy with a text book. Dipshit. "How does THAT make you feel?"

Denyse said...

I see a beautiful butterfly...or maybe that thing that Kat said. Thanks for being real with us. I'm north of Dallas, too, if you need a cold rag or some Sprite and crackers. Hugs & prayers

Linda said...

I saw 2 dudes hunched over with superman logos on their shirts, just chillin' and chattin'. Not sure what that means and if I should even care. I do, however, care about you. Perhaps a therapist you don't immediately gel with isn't such a bad thing. You probably don't need another friend to talk to, but maybe someone to challenge you, make you uncomfortable, piss you off even. And then you can work your stuff out. Just a thought. Nonetheless, you can vomit and spill all you want and rest assured we will listen and not judge.

Swirl Girl said...

I see two old ladies back to back walking outward as if to start a duel.

I am whack.


Remember, therapists , like all 'medical professionals' work for you. Interview them, try them out and if you don't like 'em...keep looking.

Sadly- there is no magical Emerald City at the end of the brick road...it's all in the journey.

hang in there, Rhea

crone51 said...

Most therapist stink. You gotta shop around ( as the song says). You are hilarious and a wonderful writer. Hang in there.

Mariah said...

Rhea, you are NOT alone. Trust me that it takes a good while to find the right therapist. Go check your DM on twitter

Valarie Lea said...

I saw heartless old ladies yelling at each other. Pretty close to yours, should I be scared. :)

Jenny and the Princess Peonies said...

Oh man. I feel your pain. My first marriage was a Horrible Horrible mess and no one could help me. I had to move to another state to get away from it all and find myself again.

I hope you find someone anyone that can help.

You will find your yellow brick road.

Did I see that you are going to Idaho? What part? I only ask 'cause I live in Spokane...which is right next to Coure D'lene Idaho.

Cerulean Blue said...

2 men juggling on a unicycle... it's representative of those things we think are impossible, but can accomplish w/ a little concentration and dedication... maybe this is your vision to get past your "past" and "present"...

*here's hoping that you do*...

it's just one holiday at a time... remember?

Happy Thanksgiving :)
~Christy~

susan in FL said...

As I began scrolling I saw two sisters argueing (maybe me and mine?) then I thought it looked like two old men (think Fred and George from Harry Potter in GOF after they tried to cross the age line). But I know where the shroud is that you see because that part just freaked me out.

Susie said...

Therapy is a journey. No point going down that "yellow brick road" with someone you aren't comfortable with. If you feel that strongly, you should find someone else:-)

I hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving even if your life is a mess.

anita doberman said...

Finding a therapist is so stressful - I have been with mine for three years but now things are rocky, just like in relationships in the real world. I hope you find someone you are comfortable with.
Happy Thanksgiving!

Jennifer said...

I see 2 hunchbacked old ladies yelling at each other...

I'm so sorry you're going through a difficult period right now. If you don't like the therapist--ditch him and find one you really like. I hope everything works out for you soon!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

April said...

Sorry to hear life is sucky and blah for you lately! I hate those kind of therapists...I hope you find THE perfect one! Keep searching, and keep your head up!

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

I'm not sure what I see in the ink blot because all I can see is what you see, because after reading your description, that's all I could see! I must be codependent. Should I see a therapist about that?

Anyway, I'd love to hear about your problems because I think I'm perfect and can solve everyone else's problems.

But seriously, while a therapist can't TELL you what's wrong with you (even if they know), they should be helping you figure it out for yourself, but not so hands-off that you wind up paying them to ask you, "So what do YOU think is wrong?"

Keep writing and keep looking...

DysFUNctional Mom said...

I saw pretty much the same thing you see, except not in so much detail. So, if you're screwed up, I'm right there with ya.
I wish you the best in your therapy, marriage, etc!
xoxoxo

the mama bird diaries said...

i saw a butterfly.

dump the therapist. find a new one that feels right. You need to feel a connection with a therapist. Maybe you can do a phone session with your former one until you find someone new to see in person.

Sending you lots of hugs.

Shannon said...

Nope, you're not alone... but I am sorry to hear you're struggling right now. I will so be your lifeline - anytime you need me to be.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving {{{hugs}}}

Burfica said...

I see a hunched back old couple with canes in their hands, moving in for a kiss.

yeah I suck, I'm sappy, can't help it. lol

Anna Lefler said...

Happy Thanksgiving, Rhea!

And, BTW, I just gave you a shout-out over at my "pad"...

:^) Anna

Jennifer said...

sorry i'm late to post here...
but wow. i totally get you. i think this is something that a lot of us feel and go through but just don't talk about or get help for... i'm glad that you are venting and letting it out... way healthier than keeping it all in. :)

i hope you can find a therapist that will really help you and make you feel better. and keep BLOGGING really it is great to be able to get it out, and then have people that can share with you and make you feel like you are NOT ALONE... b/c you aren't.

i wish i could find the yellow brick road... i'd be on it right now... happily skipping my way to the wizard. if only.

i hope you have a great thanksgiving.

lots of love and hugs and support.

xoxoxox

Sidney (Sixy Mama) said...

I totally understand your pain...believe me, I do! It certainly doesn't seem like it now, but it will get better.

I'm here, if you need anything.

Justine said...

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Rhea}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} You know I feel your pain. I'm in the same kind of misery boat as you. I'm glad you're going to therapy, even if your shrink is a quack. LOL!
Funny, the second I saw the ink blots I saw the same thing as you. Two hunched over weirdos.

I'm at my in-laws' house now, so not only do I have to deal with a dickhead husband, but a compulsive, out of control, stressed because of the holiday father-in-law. Arghhhhhhhhhhhh!

Justine :o )

Justine said...

Oh, and gobble fuckin' gobble.

Lula! said...

You are so brave. Yes, you are.
XOXO

goodfather said...

I agree, I think you should find a different therapist that you connect with. I had a similar experience with mine.

I hope things work out.

Elaine A. said...

I see good and evil but I mostly try to see the lovely lady in the middle with her open arms...

Many hugs and prayers for you Rhea. I hope you find a good therapist and can work thigns out...

Elaine

Hot Tub Lizzy said...

Sweetie...

first - I see the Easter Bunny

Second - At the end of my yellow brick road I hope to find Mr. B.

and #c - I'm workingo on a magic potion to fling through cyber space to cure my blogging friends woes... it's not quite working yet, but please know I'm praying for you, and that i've been there... and it SUCKs... and I'm sorry about that... And you will make it through this. I believe in you.

angela | the painted house said...

You are brave to share...but putting it out there brings so much back to you in the way of support. There are a lot of ladies out here thinking of you. Can you do phone sessions with Joel? Changing therapists is the worst--how likely is it that you will find another perfect fit. I hope you can do it over the phone.

Hugs to you!

American in Norway said...

I saw 2 old ladies yelling at each other...hey must be me & my mother...

hang in there girl, not sure what is going on, but for sure if you didn't click with the new guy, dump him & find a therapist who works for you...
Always here if you need to chit chat...or cry or bitch or whatever...

John Deere Mom said...

I definitely see a uterus complete with 2 ovaries and teeny little fallopian tubes. And you thought you were screwed up?! Hope things get better and you can find an industrial strength, quicker picker upper for your mess.

Andrea said...

Hmmm..I saw two girls leaning over; chatting over cosmos or coffee. I need to go back and see what you saw?!?

I hope all gets better for you! I'm also glad that you are getting help. Are friends and family able to help out, too??

(((Hugs)))

Krystyn said...

I saw two people yelling at each other, too!

Sorry times are so tough for you.

Big cyber hugs.

Ali said...

I see two beaked creatures with their hunched backs to each other. They have ardvark tongues and are licking a bowl of ants.

Have you looked for a female therapist?

Live.Love.Eat said...

OH Rhea, I am sorry I missed this post initially. You have a lot of support here and as long as you keep feeling better after getting it out a bit then you should keep doing it. I hope things get better for you! Sometimes the answers are not as complicated as someone else is making them out to be.