Monday, November 17, 2008

The End of a Friendship; A Letter Laced with Sadness



Dear THB,

I've been composing this letter in my head for a while now. It breaks my heart to write it, and while it probably isn't wise to share such personal, raw feelings online, it's cathartic for me.

We've been best friends for most of my life. It's hard to remember a time when I didn't turn to you for advice or support. You were there for me during my parents' divorce. You were there for me when I discovered I was pregnant at 19.

We've had ups and downs in our friendship, but looking back, I realize that perhaps you've been holding out on me. You've never truly encouraged me to be me. I think I've always put myself aside for you. Our relationship has not been healthy.

I'm not sure you've ever taken the time to truly appreciate me, and that makes me feel unimportant. I feel like I've had to work to get your attention most of the time. That doesn't seem fair.

You never make time for me. Friends are supposed to spend time together, share and confide in each other, be there for each other. I feel you've often gotten caught up in your own world...and left me behind. Now you reach out to me some...and I'm not waiting in the sidelines anymore. I'm not interested in your story. I can't keep investing feelings in someone who doesn't take care of them or treat them well...I can't help you keep afloat your sinking ship.

When we became best friends, I entrusted you with my heart, and I don't feel like you took care of it or treasured it like it should have been. How it deserved to have been treated.

A year ago, when I fulfilled part of my lifelong dream to have a story published, you didn't read it. A year later, you still hadn't read it. That crushed my spirit, my pride, my sense of accomplishment.

This blog has become a window to my soul, a creative outlet of huge emotional importance...and do you read it? Do you give me feedback? Do you ever comment? NO.

I don't think we suit each other anymore. And the fault for this lies with both of us. I'm not there for you...and you aren't here for me. We don't support and encourage each other, it's not a healthy friendship. I feel angry with you. I feel like you're not nice. I feel like you don't really care. Oh, your words say one thing...but I'm not so sure your actions say the same.

I'm sorry.

I tried.


Right now I have no hope for our friendship...although it isn't completely over.

Our history is too long for an abrupt, painless end.



67 comments:

Lynette said...

Rhea,

Sorry that you have been let down. It is not easy after years of investing yourself to see that one or the other has done more for the friendship to last. But that is not uncommon either. It may be hard times now. But work on opening up the lines of communication again, if at all possible. History can not be remade. But the future is always unknown too. Keep writing. It is a healthy outlet. We are all here too.

Justine said...

Aw, Rhea, I am so sorry that you've felt the need to cut ties with your best friend. But if it's all as you've written, she's not the "best" of anything, and not worth your time and effort.

Wanna be my best friend?

Justine :o )

Karen said...

Oh Rhea, I'm sorry. I really do know how bad a friendship like that can suck!! It can suck the life blood out of you.

Tiffany said...

Hi Rhea,

I've been out of the loop for various personal reasons that have really affected my world lately and really just popped in to say Hi.

I am so very sorry that you have experienced this situation with your "best" friend. I have been in a similar situation before and it's heartbreaking and completely draining to your soul. The energy and commitment put into a relationship is valuable and when not reciprocated, it is devastating. Your words are beautiful and obviously from the heart. I hope that your friend does know you well enough to realize that your pain is true and your self-love is deserved; I hope your friend doesn't make your pain any more difficult upon reading your message from the heart.

Maggie, Dammit said...

I've been here, babe. It doesn't matter how right the reasons are, it still sucks. I'm sorry for your pain.

All Things BD said...

I'm sorry for your loss of a friendship. That truly sucks.

Lauren W said...

Oh Rhea, it's so so painful to end such a long, deep relationship. I know that it doesn't help the hurt, but it sounds like this really is for the best. I'm so sorry that you've been hurt in this way. I know the pain that comes with the realization that you are much more invested in a friendship than the other person.
Also, I agree with Lynette. Keep on writing. It's a wonderful outlet :)

sassy stephanie said...

Oh man. I was reading reading reading hoping this was a joke, a funny skit. Then, nothing. Please say it's a joke! I hate to see people aching like this.

Kori said...

Oh Rhea my heart hurts for you. I know this feeling all to well.

Just know that you have a friend in all of us and we support you no matter what.

only a movie said...

I'm so sorry for your friendship being over, but I admire your honesty and courage in putting it out there this way. It's a healthy way to deal with all the hurt. Good for you. I hope this can help you move forward.

Kat said...

I am trying to think of something appropriate to say. Because I know who thb is. And I just want to remind you that even though this shoulder is 13 hours away...it's still here if you need it. Right along with my ear to bend. And arms to embrace you.

CrystalChick said...

That's really a shame. I'm sure it's taken alot out of you trying to sort it out. But you know what a relationship should feel like for you and if it doesn't, unfortunately it might have to end.

I have a sister, my only sibling, and we had a falling out years ago after our dad died. It seemed quite silly actually because it was about money and property and not anything tooooo significant either. But it obviously went much deeper than that. She had a habit of cutting people out of her life rather than do the work to keep the relationship. I was willing to accept my share of the blame for what happened, but wouldn't take it all. And she and her husband obviously felt that me and my hub were completely to blame. So be it. We all see things differently.
We see each other occasionally, send a very infrequent email, and would probably be able to put most things aside if a serious situation arose and we needed the other one in an emergency. But the friendship and the daily enjoyment we got from one another is gone. It's still painful. But again, a relationship has to flow and be supporting and loving and when it's not, it has to be left.

I'm sorry for your situation. Hopefully in time we'll all make peace with the difficult things we have to do.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Hey, sorry about your friendship. I know how sad you feel, I had a friend that I felt I had to phase for much the same reasons. I never came right out and bravely said anything, I just let it slide away. You're a much more courageous person.

Mama Dawg said...

You know, the only person I had that kind of friendship with passed away years ago (she died real young) and I haven't had one like this since.

I'm sorry things are not going well. I truly wish that you can get this friendship turned around. Cause you never know when you might need someone like this in your life and will wish she was still there.

Ali said...

oh, i've been there. it stings. so bad. HUGS

Susan said...

It's so hard to let go of a long time friendship. But it needs to be done sometimes. I am so sorry.

Christy said...

Awwww...I'm so sorry. I'm actually going through somewhat of a similar situation, and I know it hurts. :(

goodfather said...

Good friends are hard to find, and even harder to lose. I'm sorry for your pain.

Britt said...

:o( I've felt this hurt a few times, and it's never easy .. even if it's right. I'm sorry your feeling this right now.

Do you accept cyber hugs from arms you've never met?

Valarie said...

Umm I am so sorry!

I was waiting and waiting for something funny to be thrown in there. Like you were breaking up with a candybar or a favorite food or something.

I am so so sorry for you that, thats not how it ended. :{

Jeff B said...

Like Sassy, I kept reading and waiting for the punchline that didn't come. Sending a big Texas sized hug your direction in hopes that it helps lift your spirit.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

That's sad, and sounds very hurtful. I hope you find a friend who deserves your friendship.

Kally said...

Rhea,

I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is so hard to finally make the decision to end a friendship especially when you have invested so much time and love. I know it is not the same as friends IRL but please know all of your Bloggy friends care about you and support you.

Hugs :)

Grand Pooba said...

Oh how sad! I'm so sorry, I hope you can move on to find better friendships in your life!

Cathy said...

I am so sorry you are going through this. There is nothing I can say, I am hear to listen -you just talk if ya want. The silence will go away slowly. Hugs from Ohio.

Swirl Girl said...

Reason, season or lifetime.

Friends come in and out of your life for one of those reasons.

If you are blessed enough to have lifetime friends - well, that is a rarity.

Ritch in Love said...

3 years ago I broke up with one of my dear friends. It was the hardest thing I had ever done with a girlfriend. But the relationship was unhealthy, one-sided, and more high maintenance than anything else in my life. It was poisonous. I didnt' want to believe it, but it was true.
I wanted to tell you that recently we reconnected and she has changed so much-for the better. Her maturity has increased. Her appreciation for life, loved ones, and me has increased. And thus far I'm pleased. But I'm still leary and my trust is shattered. But we're working through it. She also knows that if she goes back to her old ways that I'm gone for good.
3 years apart was good for us...and now we're trying again...
Good luck friend.

Ritch in Love said...

3 years ago I broke up with one of my dear friends. It was the hardest thing I had ever done with a girlfriend. But the relationship was unhealthy, one-sided, and more high maintenance than anything else in my life. It was poisonous. I didnt' want to believe it, but it was true.
I wanted to tell you that recently we reconnected and she has changed so much-for the better. Her maturity has increased. Her appreciation for life, loved ones, and me has increased. And thus far I'm pleased. But I'm still leary and my trust is shattered. But we're working through it. She also knows that if she goes back to her old ways that I'm gone for good.
3 years apart was good for us...and now we're trying again...
Good luck friend.

Jennifer and Sandi said...

I am SO SORRY for your loss!!! Hang In there!!

- Jennifer

Live.Love.Eat said...

Like Sassy, I was hoping this was to be a joke at the end. If it's not, then maybe it was meant to be. It doesn't make it hurt less but just as with romantic relationships, sometimes it's healthier to discontinue investing in a friendship than to keep it going for memories sake. Life is too short to be weighed down by something that should be making you feel happy. Good luck!!!!!

Tiffany said...

Aw, girl. I am so sorry to hear that you've had to move on, but it's the right thing.

You've got a whole new group of friends who adore you just the way you are, and I am one of them!

Linda said...

It's amazing how many of us have commented saying we feel your pain because we've been there. Me too. No words of wisdom or advice here ... just a common bond of understanding and sympathy.

Kelly said...

SOmetimes I think it is harder to "break up" with your girlfriends than "boyfriend!" i too went through something similar she made choices that hurt alot of people in her life and I was one of them. She does not think of anyone else, and after many, many years of a one-sided friendship it was time to rid myself of toxic energy and LET HER GO! yes, I still miss her, yes, I do miss having her understand things that other friends don't, but my life is in a much happier place that she chooses not to be a part of! Good Riddance!

Jennifer said...

oh honey. i'm sorry.

i know just what you are feeling. i could have written this letter myself to my husband. :( it is hard to have a relationship with no friendship. i'm sad too. and now i'm sad for you, as well. i'm sure you will work things out and fix them... at least i hope you do.

you are a gem. you deserve the BEST in life and i'm sure THB is one of the best things/people to have entered your life... and he has given you THE most precious gifts of all... your beautiful boys. although i know you know all this.

i'm here if you ever want to "chat".

LOTS OF LOVE!!! xoxoxoxo

Jennifer said...

um. i was just reading and i'm sorry if i was wrong... i see that i'm the only one that thinks this letter is to your husband, and not to end your relationship, but to let him know there are things that are missing, that are wrong, that need attention and to be fixed... i'm sorry if i was off the mark... i just thought that THB meant texas homeboy... sorry. i was NOT implying, in the least, that you have problems in your marriage.

~HUGS!!!

xoxoxox

Teri said...

I'm so glad that I was able to stop in this evening. But I am terribly sorry to see that you are having to go through this sad time. It is indeed tough to finally make that decision to move away from a long-time friend. My best thoughts are with you. Take care.

Veggie Mom said...

I have a friend like this, from whom I'm recently estranged. It's a sad, sad story, and shouldn't end this way, but, as you said, I tried.

On a happier note, I'm celebrating 150 Posts with an Award and a Pop'rs Giveaway...please come visit soon!

Susie said...

I am so sorry that you are going through this although it is the best breakup letter I have ever read. You state your feelings clearly and you end it plainly. "We are just not suited for each other". Pefect. I hope healing comes soon.

Lisa said...

Although it is a sad, sad letter, it is so beautifully written. I am so sorry someone has made you feel that way and has disappointed you so much that you need to write that letter. I am sureyou deserve so much more and have so much more to offer than that person realizes.

for a different kind of girl said...

So, so sorry. I know these feelings. It's so hard, but you know...

steenky bee said...

Oh dear, I'm so sorry for you. I kept hoping against hope that when I got to the end of this letter that there would be a twist or something, like maybe you were throwing away an outdated sweater or something. But no, a friend that isn't there for you anymore. I'm pained because I know this feeling too. But you know what makes me think that you would be a wonderful friend? The fact that you took on some of the blame yourself. I admire that because it's not always easy to do. My heart breaks for you, but also hopes that yours heals quickly. Hugs.

Beth from the Funny Farm said...

Have you ever seen that email thing that floats around about friends for a season? I love that one.

Recognise that you both have been friends for a season and a reason and be willing to FREELY let go and move on without the pain...

Jill said...

Rhea... I don't know what to say??? I am at loss for words. Cutting ties with your best friend is hard. For me that would mean cutting it with my sister and I don't see that happening. I hope things work out for you with this decision! You will be in my prayers!

OHmommy said...

Yeah. Been there too. Sending you HUGS, Rhea!

Marrdy said...

How sad for you. But how much sadder for your former friend. One day she will see what a treasure she has lost. Hugs for you!

TattooedMinivanMom said...

wow. Friendship can be a hard thing sometimes. I wish it didn't have to be but it is. If the situation is hurting you too much it's probably better to step away from it. For now at least. I'm sorry Rhea.

Tiaras and Tantrums said...

I think we all experience these life altering friendships - our paths in life lead us down the fork where the friend shall not travel.

Elaine A. said...

Sometimes it's best to move on. Obviously I don't know ALL the details of your relationship but I myself did have to let go and end a freindship in which I wasn't getting anything in return. It was really hard at the time but I believe it was the right thing to do.

I hope you find resolution in your heart either way.

manic mariah said...

Rhea, wow I have come to the same conclusion. I feel that I get more support from my blogging friends than my real friends in life. My friends don't read my blog either, even whenI have asked them to. I'm sorry for your pain

Jen said...

Is this to who I think it is to? If so, I am so sorry. Is there more than friendship in the breaking. My heart goes out to you, if really does. I hope you find the peace and answers that you are looking for and needing.

Lula! said...

I'm e-mailing my comment to you. And you know why.

TerriRainer said...

((((((((hugs))))))))

I've had friendships like this and it's always painful when you realize how one-sided they have become.

:) Terri

Katie said...

Keep your head up, girl. ((HUGS))
I think your writing is awesome.

StarbuckBitch said...

I'm so sorry Rhea, there's another best friend out there for you. Good for you for putting it out there though, I hope you're feeling better:-)

Indy said...

So sorry. Hopefully you will have closure with this letter. It stinks when you have to let someone go.

Jen @ caterpillars soy candles said...

Oh Rhea, I'm so sorry - I was hoping the end of the story was a happy one.. Keep your chin up :)

MarciaBrady said...

Rhea...I'm sorry about your loss! I know exactly how you feel. I was in the same kind of relationship not too long ago and had to finally say enough! And, it's been the best thing for me. Does it hurt? Yah...but, definitely for the best.

Keep your head up!!

BTW: You are one of the best writers I've ever come across.

What kind of story did you have published? Is it on your blog for us to read? Are you working on anything right now?

sandy said...

Aww, I'm so sorry! {{Hugs}}

momma said...

so sad and my heart is broken for you! you have such a talent for writing. there will be someone for you who will be all that you need!

(from SITSta)

Kathleen said...

How terrible, and hard for you. I can see though that you have many more "friends" who follow your blog. Hopefully that's some consolation.

Martha said...

Here from SITsa, with a (Hug). Beautiful post.

Lynette said...

Hello fellow SITS-er and Rhea. Good place to post your Dear Letter. I am right there with you on that with my 2nd marriage. He treated me as if I was not even there and it hurts to the core. I hope things will be better for you with the therapy. May or may not change things at home but can help you become a happier and more content woman. Come visit me at:
http://theysayimnuts.blogspot.com/2008/11/dear-crazy-friends.html

radvetmom said...

Rhea, you have so much to offer the world, and you deserve to be appreciated and cherished.

Brit' Gal Sarah said...

Wow Rhea, I just read this again from the link today. The last time I assumed like most it was about a friendship, not a marriage. I am so sorry you are going through all this and my heart aches for you.

If I'm reading this in the right context now, then this sounds how my first marriage went and it's damn hard to come back from. I hope you have more luck than we did, but seeing as it's now 6 months later, I fear you're not yet. Big ))H((

Friendship Letters said...

Sorry to hear, your post is excellent. Leave the past aside and run into the future.

i beati said...

pretty profound a marriage isn't good with out someone who wants dreams for you , encourages and praises..sk

Joey said...

Love and friendship come an goes. You will always find it. Don't get caught up on where it comes from just know that it's there and waiting for you. You will never find the same kind of love twice, but know that the same level of love is wait for you. Soy candles will ignite the love once it is in your grasp again.