Monday, October 6, 2008

Unexpected Visitors

My eyes still feel heavy with sleep as I stand with bare, warm bed-feet on the hard, cold tile in my kitchen. I have before me a loaf of whole wheat bread and various fixings for sandwiches. Texas Homeboy's been up since 4am, but I can't get up before 6am, it just isn't humanly possible. One child, Donny, my 11 yr old, is awake and in the shower while the younger one, Remy, who's 6, still sleeps.

Come on brain, start moving. Let's see, Donny likes lettuce on his turkey sandwich, Remy only wants meat and mayo. Donny gets grapes in his lunchbox but Remy prefers strawberry applesauce. My hands automatically go through the motions of cutting halves and stuffing things in Ziploc bags, but I have to think harder to make sure I get the right stuff into the right lunchbox. I've made that mistake before.

The dog won't go outside for her morning pee because it's raining. She doesn't like to get wet. But she loves to swim. Explain this to me?! It's gonna be a long day for Annie if she keeps holding it in.

I hear Donny get out of the shower, and Texas Homeboy leaves for his long commute to Big D. I finish up the lunchboxes and hear my father getting into his shower when the doorbell rings. It's not even 7am, people. This is weird. It could be my dad's ride, showing up early, I guess.

But, to my surprise, I find three strange figures at the door. I open the door slowly and stare.

"We're the Hormone Brothers," one says loudly, seemingly complaining I don't recognize them.

I don't.

One is tall and geeky looking, it's face covered in acne, shyly hiding behind the other two.

The one who complained is dressed in loud colors and sports a dramatic hairstyle. It pouts and swings it's arms wildly when it talks.

The third worries me the most. It's dressed all in black and seems brooding and quiet...menacing almost.

"Please go away," I say. "I'm not ready for you yet."

The brooding one says, "You won't have a choice."
The dramatic one adds, "You NEED to get ready."
The geeky one mumbles, "Please, if you don't mind, we'll be back."

And they turn as a group and saunter off, the dramtic one leading the way, the brooding one flips me off.

I gasp in horror and quickly shut and lock the door.

"Mama, who was that?" I hear Donny ask from the den.

He's watching The Simpsons while he eats breakfast. He reminds me that he will take the bus home today, and he wants to go to the bookstore after school to get the next book in the series he is reading. I walk over and ruffle his hair. My eyes tear up. He's still my Donny but for how long? I know the hormone brothers will return. I need a plan how to deal with them. I need plans, more plans, and backup plans. Preparation. They've introduced themselves and surprised me, but next time I will be ready.


35 comments:

TerriRainer said...

Those three pecker-heads have taken up residence in my house! Not only them, but I have another two sets of the female versions hanging around!

THE AGONY!

:) Terri

goodfather said...

These guys slashed my tires during their 'visit' to my house. When they came back to stay, they ate ALL of my food.

Kat said...

Rhea, Rhea, Rhea. How do you come up with this stuff? I can barely parse two sentences together. But you? Pure genius. I am thinking that you need to spend more time in front of the computer. And have those boys make their own lunch...

Sally-Ann said...

Nothing stops the teenage hormones, sure you can baracade the door for a while, but resistance is futile.....I'm so flustered at the thought of them, I'm not even sure if I am spelling words correctly.
I think that is why there is high school. So you can send your teenagers off and they can take their teenage angst somewhere else for a little while.
I enjoy your blog very much and am with Kat - where do you come up with this stuff?

Karen said...

Oh sister.....good luck......I am not looking forward to this stage with three very aggressive girls. I can only imagine what that will be like. Uhgh!

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

Awesome post. Keep the hormone brothers well fed and they are a little less likely to slash your tires. Just a little.

Jen said...

That is the best post I have ever read on how kids are growing up. You totally crack me up.
Please, please, please, any tricks you learn along the way save them for me. I will have 3 boys and a princess to deal with quicker than a blink of an eye. I just know it.
I wish you luck in your preparation. Those hormone brothers are in for it the next time, you will be ready I am sure.

scargosun said...

Honestly, there is NO plan. That is the problem. You've gotta a the quick thinking, witty gal and since you already are, you'll be ok.

Jenni said...

That was great. For the girl version I am picturing. . .oh, not good. In addition to the drama queen, insecure one, and moody brooding one, I am picturing the cattiness that only girls can perfect. . .times two.

Karen said...

Very cool ... the story, not the Hormone Brothers !!!

I had the Hormone Brothers and the Hormone Sisters living at my house for a number of years and all at the same time...

Those were interesting years....

Living on the Spit said...

Yeah, I had enough of those pesky people so I kicked em out of my house and gave them your address!

LOL, welcome to the club! I am a life time member...and just as they are all getting their hormones I am losing mine.

Really great post.

Lula! said...

You are a genius.

Genius.

There, I said it.

jenboglass said...

Oh those hormones! I'm glad you've got fair warning. I predict they will come in, make havoc with some things for a while, but eventually, you'll get to know them a little better. You might even like them after a while. Good luck. I hear they are highly unpredictable and they will also eat you out of house and home.

This was such a clever post! :)

Ronnica said...

Very clever and well written!

Christy said...

Huge sigh...this sucks, doesn't it? My oldest daughter is 11, and she's already starting in with it, and I. Don't. Like. It.

If you think of a way to keep those damn hormones at bay, call me! Love this piece! :)

Captain Dumbass said...

Get a second fridge, keep it full. It's all small stuff after that.

only a movie said...

No worries, they're not coming back to your house until they're done here.

We'll be a while.

PS - how did you get D to take a shower? Does he do this on his own? Impressive skills, lady.

Heather said...

May The Force be with you.

Andrea said...

I'm sending a secret stash of food to your house so they will want to stay. We have a small fridge anyway-they just wouldn't be comfortable here.

Good luck! And keep us informed!

jenboglass said...

Miss Rhea: I went to check my inbox at work and was sad to see no book yet. When I returned to my desk, the package was sitting on my desk! Thanks so much! I hope my game improves too! Thanks again!!1

gingela5 said...

I think the hormone brothers just left my house! haha I think my husband's just growing out of that phase! hehe

Insane Mama said...

OMG the hormones are affecting our house too. I agree with Lula, you are a genius and if you figure out those boys let me know

sassy stephanie said...

when is your new book coming out?

Shannon said...

Genius! You crack. me. up!

I am dreading the day the Hormone Sisters come knockin' on my door... poor Shane, he'll have three crazy females under one roof!

Erika said...

well written!!

At least you don't have the hormone sisters (I was one of them growing up) I still feel bad fro my mom! haha

Jeff B said...

Oh great, now what'd ya have to go and remind me about those guys for.

Heavy sigh...There a ways off from my place, but not nearly far enough.

WheresMyAngels said...

What Erika said!! lol

Try three women in the home all on their monthlies.

My husband wants to kill himself! ha

Justine said...

Whoa girl, this was a might freaky deaky post! I really thought some strange people showed up at your door at 7 a.m.! Did you eat something spicy before bed last night or something? LOL

Justine :o )

Briana said...

Oh I can hardly get through the kids being 5. Oh the wonders I get to look forward to when my boys are teenagers. Yippee for me.

Darcy @ LWM3B said...

Oh for the love of all things holy...

don't tell them my address!

B. Roan said...

I've had many mornings such as this one. Fortunately, I've outgrown them. Don't miss them at all! BJ

Kaycee said...

LOL! Nice story :)

Thanks for visiting my blog. I'm loving reading yours!

DysFUNctional Mom said...

You should've shot them dead.
I've already dealt with those guys. Now the bitchy girl version is hanging out at my house.
They are brutal!

CrystalChick said...

My son is 15, it's getting weird here too. I am almost 44 and have some issues as well. My husband just works as much overtime as he can get.....

Angie's Spot said...

I'm so not ready for this today. I burst into tears this morning when hubby woke me up and said "We have a 4 year old now!" Gah!!