Rhea: Is your inner child still a fat bald retarded kid?
BHJ: I claimed the fat bald retarded kid for my inner child because I’ve always felt like I had to repress the marginal characters inside of me. I’m filled with many freaks and the post you’re referring to was an attempt to give a secret part of myself a chance to play in the sun and show off some kick ass karate moves. So yes. But there are many other children trapped in my asylum as well.
Rhea: You seem to be made up of several different people. Would you care to share and describe some of these personalities?
BHJ: There’s definitely a joker in here. Perhaps he is the ringleader. But there’s also a very serious man. You might say a lot of my posts are attempts to build a bridge between the comic and the deadly earnest. Some are more successful than others, but that’s alright with me. I treat blog posts like little experiments. Some experiments fail. There’s also a midget with a freakishly large penis and a little boy who wishes he was a monkey. There’s many more. Sometimes I wonder if it’s infinite. Perhaps the Self is an infinite party that never ends.
Rhea: I like to use the word "edgy" to describe your blog. Your writing blends fiction and nonfiction, reality and fantasy. If we met you in real life, would we see this in you? Or are you only this way "on paper"?
BHJ: This question confuses me. Are you asking me if I’m edgy in real life? Yes. Especially if I’ve had more than 2-3 cups of coffee. I get very edgy. I don’t know what would happen if we met in real life. The point I’m trying to express in my blog, though, is that real life is a fantasy. We ourselves are fantasies. We’re all functions of Imagination. So if we met in Imagination I’m sure it would be dreamy. Or you’d think I was a dick. It would depend on the weather of my mood. And yours. What if you were in some kind of premenstrual situation? It’s just a super hard question.
Rhea: You are one of those monsters that comes out of the closet to play with the children, have tea parties and play checkers, but there's that slight chance you may bite or get delusional. Do you agree with this description?
BHJ: I like the way you used contradictions to describe me. A monster who plays. Fun and dangerous. And it all happens on the threshold between sanity and insanity. That’s perfect. My friends laugh the loudest. But sometimes they kill themselves too. So yeah. I agree with your description. I play with fire underwater.
Rhea: Why are we really here? What is our purpose in life?
BHJ: We’re here to play. It’s the essential nature of the entire phenomenal world to play.
Rhea: Do you think we're only seeing shadows in Plato's cave and the real world behind us will blow our mind when we finally figure it out?
BHJ: These lives are not merely shadows of some Truthier Truth. This is the Truth. And it’s Truth enough. It’s a Truth worth saving. This life, THIS one (SMACK!), is mind blowing.
Rhea: What are your Pavlov's Dog responses in your daily life?
BHJ: This question confuses me as well. Pavlov conditioned dogs to salivate at bells because he rang a bell every time they ate some food. This proved that our “natural” responses could be influenced, indeed created, by culture. There is no natural. It’s all human, all too human. Anyway, sometimes disasters give me a boner. Is that what you mean? Hurricanes and fires evoke a sexual response in me. It’s weird, but no weirder than a bell making dogs salivate.
Rhea: Please tell me you're a LOST fan. If so, what's your take on the show, and if you had to choose a character on the island to be, which one would you choose?
I’ve never seen an episode of Lost. But isn’t that little hobbit on Lost? I would definitely wanna be stranded with the hobbit. The only shows I watch are Grey’s Anatomy & The Biggest Loser. It inspires me when those pigs lose 400 pounds. And Dr. Yang gets me going. I suppose that’s another answer to the previous question. Asian doctors make me want to have sex with them.
Rhea: Your son, Jackson Hockey Jesus, plays the drums really well. My sons now have a full drum kit. Any suggestions or tips on how to encourage and/or help them get better?
BHJ: Jackson takes lessons from a kick ass drummer who we pay $50/week. I guilt Jackson into practicing because it’s $50/week. I tell him that I can’t afford to eat lunch because of his damn lessons. I also tell him that rock dudes get a lot of tail.
Rhea: Have you read my blog? What three words would you use to describe it?
BHJ: I have read your blog. How about “Pink Southern-Fried Fabulous”? Is that 4 words? Even with the hyphen?
Rhea: What's one book you think everyone should read at some point in their life?
BHJ: I think everyone could stand to learn something from Rilke’s Letters To A Young Poet. That book will serve you well if you want to write. Lots of good secrets in there.
Rhea: Finally, the one question I can never leave out of an interview; If Aliens landed in your backyard, wanted to take you for a week to their home planet, who and what would you take with you?
BHJ: I would take a bunch of magic beans to trade for alien stuff. Aliens are so gullible.
* Original photo courtesy of Black Hockey Jesus. Messed-up versions due to Rhea's fascination with Picnik.